Personal Trainer + Boyfriend = Disaster

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should NOT Date Your Personal Trainer
10. There is no romantic allure about what you may look like sweaty, panting, and overheated.
9. Instead of wondering if he ever thinks critically about your body you will know for sure that he does when he says something like, "do another set of squats it will help to lift your butt up."
8. You will not get away with complaining to this trainer as you did with others. No longer will whining or refusal to do another set be acceptable.
7. Your food choices over dinner will lead to discussions of nutrition and how you are straying from the trainer's stringent guidelines.
6. Many conversations will lead back to why you did not do something you were advised to do. This is meant to be helpful but it will likely only be annoying.
5. Your muscles will suffer the consequences of any unresolved issues between you. No longer will the gym be a place of solace and stress relief but one where you will be punished for a difference of opinion.
4. Stretching and massaging of muscles is now expected to be reciprocal.
3. Your desire to not appear weak in front of him will cause you to overdo it and you will be in considerable pain the next day. Which of course you must hide and suffer through because you don't want him to know what a weakling you really are.
2. Accomplishments are no longer "yours" they are "ours." As in, "we really worked your muscles good with that one." Funny, I seem to recall lifting that weight entirely on my own.
1. It's a difficult situation to get out of once you're in it. If you would rather have a different trainer you'll likely have to get a new boyfriend as he will probably take offense at having his professional services dismissed. And if you decide you'd rather have a new boyfriend there is no way you can have your ex as your trainer (see #5) so you'll have to find a new trainer.

Off to ice my entire body and reflect on how potentially disagreeable conversation topics should be brought up after a training session not before it. At least there's a positive - I'm definitely getting smarter about the role of timing.

The Intersection of Laughless Road & Memory Lane

Just over a month ago I met a guy that didn't make me laugh. If you read my previous post you know I clearly had to say "yes" when he asked me out. I am still dating him even though he's not funny to me. It's been a fairly laughless road so far and I don't foresee that changing. He doesn't crack jokes or make witty comments and he gets an odd expression whenever I do. I haven't quite figured out if that expression means he doesn't get what I just said - and therefore doesn't get me - or if he understood it perfectly and just doesn't think I'm funny. What amazes me most is how intriguing I find this reaction. It's almost like I continue dating him just because I have no idea why he continues to pursue me if we can't laugh together. It made me realize just how pertinent I think laughter is to a relationship.

I have also had to reflect on how previous relationships, and choices I've made in them, have effected my life overall. You see he lives in a town I used to live in and when I lived there the guy I dated lived where I live now. (All very full circle, I know.) Going to his house takes me past places I used to haunt many moons ago. And not much has changed in the small town he lives in so lots of old memories have surfaced. When I lived there I was floating and my boyfriend at the time threw me a line. Because of the old relationship, I ended up in a different state with a new job and a new career path. I made contacts and friends and built a life that ultimately didn't include that guy. But it all started back in that small town when I thought I knew a lot about love, myself, what I wanted, and how to make a relationship work. Turns out I really knew nothing.

Now I find myself at a crossroads again. I'm about to go off in pursuit of a new dream and new career but I'm being offered a stable small town life filled with many of the things I think I want. This time the only thing I know for sure is I know nothing for certain. But now I don't need someone else to throw me a line. I can tether myself. Maybe that's part of why I find this new fella so enticing because, although I don't laugh as much as before, I haven't lost my sense of self with him.

Box of Old Boyfriends

I went in search of specific pictures, pictures I still cannot find. Instead of the wanted pictures I discovered a treasure trove of crashed and burned relationships. A box full of old boyfriends. There were other pictures mixed in but mostly it was one extinguished flame after another. Makes a girl realize that when it comes to busted relationships maybe the problem lies with the common denominator.

It got me thinking about what the men I've dated have in common. Besides having dated me, I mean. Maybe it is some trait they possess that is responsible for the demise of our relationship. My being the cause of that said effect seems too obvious and mundane. And, if truth is really stranger than fiction there is no way possible that it's me - cause I can point to plenty of far out scenarios in fiction that are far more interesting than my having commitment issues. So, clearly it's them then, right?

I started to make a list after I'd assembled the pictures in sort of a collage. (I'd post a picture of it but I haven't quite figured out the blurring of faces that you see on television and I'd rather not infringe on anyone's privacy.) At first I tried to make a list based on physical features but while "tall" is an attribute I seem to prefer there were a couple of average height. Same goes for the occasional blond or redhead in lieu of my brunette preference. Eye color was also a dead end. While a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes will always turn my head it seems I easily find other types attractive. (Who knew?!) It appeared I needed to search deeper. So, I tried all kinds of characteristics looking for a distinct pattern and was willing to accept an outlier or two as proof of the pattern itself. Turns out there isn't one. Body type, profession, ability to express emotion, kindness, likability, birth order, adaptability, intelligence, taste in music, hobbies, etc. You name it I tested it. Turns out the only common denominator, besides me, was a sense of humor similar to my own.

Guess this means I should look within for the solution to my abysmal dating karma. Or maybe I should just start dating guys I find unfunny... I miss laughing already.

An Evening with David Sedaris and “Pants on Fire”

Usually when I ask a question it is because I wish to know the answer, the true answer. My evening last night clearly illustrates why more people, especially men, should give a true answer when asked a question. To further my point:

Let's say you are asked a direct question, such as “Have you read any of his books?” or “Do you find him funny?” You should answer with the truth, and if the answer is "no" you should say "no." You should not say “Uh-huh. I certainly do. I’d absolutely love to go with you.”

Here are some reasons why:
1. Your date will assume that you have answered truthfully and that you know the kind of author you are going to listen to for a few hours. Your dishonesty may get you more than you bargained for.
2. When, over dinner, the truth is revealed that you have no idea whom the author you are about to go see is, your date will inevitably have to make a choice. To clue you in about who the author is and what the show will be like or to let you suffer the consequences of your transgression. (Hint: Most women dislike being lied to and will let you suffer the consequences of your ignorance.)
3. Your date may assume you were smart enough to Google the author you lied about having read and will continue on as if you did so. When it becomes clear that you did not Google the author your date will not only think you are untruthful but also ignorant of technology.
4. You may very well end up with an unflattering nickname.
5. Your lack of truthfulness and leering glances over dinner will ensure a nickname with a double meaning.
6. If you lie about knowing something you should be prepared for anything. Say a packed sold-out theater full of lots of gay men, groups of women, and a small smattering of couples. They all know what to expect. While you glance around, shift uncomfortably in your chair, and attempt to pump your date for clues. (Which she will not give.)
7. Your date will laugh uproariously at the incredibly vulgar, dirty joke the author tells within the first five minutes. While you will squirm in horror. (FYI, she laughed even harder at your discomfort than at the joke itself.) There will be a lot of humor involving homosexuality and your date, along with everyone else in the theater, will laugh and laugh. You will again be quite uncomfortable.
8. The less you laugh the more your date will wish she had sold your ticket to a random gay man.
9. When you finally loosen up and decide to find the humor in the author’s readings you will both laugh at the same things. You will think the camaraderie of shared laughter is great and may lead to something more. She will still think about how much fun it would have been to come with someone else.
10. At the end of the evening, you will think your lying was successful in getting you closer to someone you know through a similar circle. You will be incorrect and it will be awkward. And, at the end of the evening when she says, “sure maybe I’ll see you at that meeting on Monday” you will recognize that look – turns out you're not the only one who can tell a lie.

Annoying New Yorkers

Last night, for the first time, I encountered an Annoying New Yorker. The ANY's are the ones that make citizens in all parts of the country cringe when anyone answers the question, "so, where are you from?" with "New York." The ANY's have always been an enigma to me, I'd heard mad cap tales of them but I'd never met one myself. I also found it very judgmental and rude of others to assume just because I'm from NY that my company is less than desirable. That is until last night, when I met an ANY in the flesh and had to endure the torture of being around her.

It was supposed to be a simple dinner at an overpriced chain Chinese restaurant. (Any guesses on which one?) But, alas it turned out to be two of the more difficult hours of my life. There were four of us at the table. I had been invited by a nice man, whom I do not know well, and there were two other people there that I did not know at all. You'd think that would make for interesting conversation by the sheer fact of getting to know one another. Conversation, however, was almost impossible. The ANY, a woman I had never met, could not stop talking and couldn't tolerate the fact that anyone would want to talk about anything not related to New York. I had answered the obligatory "where are you from" question with the truth and she immediately thought we were two peas in a pod, much to my chagrin. She related every conversation back to NY, dismissed any talk of pleasant local restaurants or entertainment, and often winked at me whenever she said something derogatory regarding our table mates' opinions. More than once I wanted to skulk away from the table never to return. I changed the subject numerous times and tried valiantly to engage my other dinner companions in conversation. She would snort with derision at their answers, offer her suggestion on how they could really get a life if they'd go to NY, and then change the subject back to something that suited her.

Finally, after our plates had been cleared and dinner was done one of the other diners turned to her and asked, "why don't you live in NY anymore? Why don't you go back?" She answered that she would in heartbeat but the cost of living was so high. Proceeding to go on in detail about how it was so much better than any other place on earth except for that. I told her to take it from me that she was missing out on a lot of great experiences in life and she needed to adjust her expectations. To which she replied that she had no desire to do any such thing.

She will certainly miss out on a lot because I for one won't ask her to join me anywhere and I doubt too many other people will either. I can now see why so many people are horrified after an experience with an ANY. But, I'd caution people everywhere not to judge all New Yorkers by those experiences anymore than you'd want us to judge you through an ANY's eyes. Most people love the place where they grew up - it's home to them - and if they are open to hearing all of the wonderful things about your hometown, you should be open to learning about theirs, even if it is harsh, critical, old New York.

Lack of Blogs

I have written several things over the past few months that aren't really fit for sharing. Or they aren't at the moment anyway. So, that is where I've been - dealing with a tumultuous summer and writing things I don't wish to share. But, I decided to put this grief filled summer behind me and begin again. So, here's to a fantastic fall!

Mourning

There is a black and white picture that sits in a photo collage created by my great-grandmother. It is a picture of my grandparents, circa early 1950's. They are quite young, early 20's, if that, and they are holding each other turned slightly to the camera and they are both smiling their genuine smiles. They look very happy, like they are about to go on an adventure and all they need is each other. I have been fascinated by that photograph since I was a young girl, maybe five or six, and stayed at with my great-grandmother, Nana, for the night. I could hardly take my eyes off it and couldn't believe that those two people in the picture were my Grammie and Grandpa. I must have asked a million questions about that photograph until Nana, normally a very patient woman, said she wouldn't answer anymore questions about it. Not only is it a beautiful moment captured in time but it has always been the symbol of life for me. I grasped, in that weekend, that everyone starts out a certain way and life ages, and changes, a person. It made me dread growing older but it also made me admire my grandparents in a whole other way.

My Grandpa passed away today. It wasn't entirely unexpected but it has still left me grieving. He was amazing but also so common. He was stern, unyielding, and sometimes unkind but he was also generous, supportive, and the most positive male influence for much of my life. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and he always took the time, often on the sly, to let me know he thought I could do whatever it was I was doubting myself about. Some of my fondest memories of childhood center around him. Him coming home from work on an average summer day while I was playing in his front yard. Or overnights at his house and kissing him goodnight as he snored on the couch. Campouts in his backyard, jumping off the dock in New Hampshire into his waiting arms, playing wiffle ball in Massena, and learning about baseball by watching Mets games with him. So many of the things I learned before I left home I learned from him. And oh so many more he taught me once I was on my own and floundering as I tried to be a grown-up. He offered great advice and I wish I'd heeded more of it.

He was an average guy by so many standards but to me he was so much larger than his 6' frame. He didn't express love in words very easily but he knew how to give a hug that let you know you were loved. He led an admirable life if only for the fact that he's so greatly missed. He was once full of dreams, hopes, and aspirations that photograph is proof of that. But he made choices in life and altered courses for his family and did things that many didn't like and many others loved. He lived a life and made the best of it.

He helped to make me the person that I am and I will miss him, and his guidance, beyond measure.