I heard a story on NPR a while back that told of how Russians look for a mate. It appears they seek someone to share the miseries of life. Someone that feels pain and the depth of life's hardships in the same way. A partner who will commiserate and be there during mournful times. One that knows the soul wrenching darkness that life can sometimes offer. Sounds dire, doesn't it? They see Americans as frivolous children living a fairy tale dream in their desire to find someone that makes them laugh. The Russian view of American romance is that we are always looking for someone to laugh with - what is that but movie magic, not real life.
I had an epiphany recently where I realized my search for laughter maybe the wrong way to go. I recognized a relationship pattern; the men that have made me laugh the most, that I have shared the greatest joys and warmest surprises - from soft giggles to hearty guffaws, have also been the ones to make me cry the most. By this I do not mean that they were there to share the miseries of life with me, granted sometimes they were, but mostly my tears were caused by my normally charming partner. Makes me wonder if the Russians share laughs at times and if they have greater depth. Maybe they are better off than Americans for maybe they accidentally make each other laugh in the same way we accidentally cause each other pain.
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I think the truth is really in between. We conscious or unconsciously end up attracting someone who can stir us intensely in both ways, especially if we are sensitive or wounded from our pasts.
In my post, Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?, I talk a lot about Imago Relationship Therapy and its view of why we attract the person we do. You'll see I talk about this issue of "positive" and "negative" traits in the same partner.
Very interesting though the Russian approach. I do wonder if, forced to choose, it wouldn't be a more successful way. Someone you know you can handle the tough times with may prove more resilient.
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