Elusive Answers

"Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same." - The Wallflowers

That's how I feel in a nut shell. I don't feel like I've changed but I'm clearly not the same. I guess that's what an existential crisis is all about - evolving. I am not the same person I was three months ago and yet I am not that different. I feel more defined, more myself than I have in fifteen years, and as such certain things don't fit well in my life anymore. One of those things was my relationship with Clark Kent. I had been having doubts that were so loud they were deafening ever since I started this new job and was unhappy with it. I didn't view going to CT as a viable option and I didn't want to discuss my job hesitations with him - the person I should want to discuss everything with. It turns out he was feeling much the same way and we broke up today. I wouldn't say that I feel devastated or even that hurt. I'm sad but more because it seems like this is a timing issue for each of us - I met him at the wrong time in my life. He's a great guy - one that could be great for me - but he isn't great for me now and I'm not great for him either.

Alas, as I age I realize sometimes that's all life is about, timing. And when the timing's wrong it doesn't matter what you do or what else is right it's not going to work. So, I'm sad but more because I still feel so direction-less in so many aspects of my life. For this did not bring me any great clarity or real relief. It has been more like "oh well, what now?" It hasn't changed my perspective on the job, or on living in Raleigh, or on anything. I realized I hadn't been factoring him into any of those contemplations for quite sometime. I wish I had more clarity not less.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, yet again, and try to figure out whether I want this life I've arranged for myself. I have hope that I will grasp the elusive answers to what will make me truly happy but it's a faint glimmer at this point.