Focus

When I was a kid there was a television show on Saturday mornings called "Pee Wee's Playhouse." My brother was a huge fan of the show and as part of the Saturday morning compromise all of us watched it. One thing Pee Wee always did was the word of the day and everytime someone said the word everyone would scream. If my life were like Pee Wee's Playhouse the word of the day for today would be "focus." And, much like Pee Wee's Playhouse, anytime I hear it, or think it, I feel like screaming.

Now the word focus has many definitions. If you followed the link above you are aware of just how many. I have been plagued by both the noun and the verb "focus" today. Don't believe me? Allow me to explain. First, I have had some problems with my new contacts and glasses. The world seems largely out of focus when it should be crystal clear. I did, after all, pick which was better one or two and then three or four more than once last week. The new contact for my left eye appears to wish it were something else - because it certainly doesn't want to be a contact lens that stays on an eyeball and allows said eyeball to focus on the world. So, while I've been dealing with the revolt of the left lens I have been trying to wear my new glasses. I have not worn glasses consistently, ever. The glasses are messing with my vertigo. Making it hard to focus on the world for I feel quite sea sick inside my own head. Needless to say the optometrist is supposed to fix the contact situation tomorrow. As for the glasses, they tell me I need to wear them until my brain adjusts. Easy for them to say, the world is largely in focus for them.

The other ways I have been vexed by the word focus today are not as easy to explain. A stranger remarking that I appear to have "lost my focus" is one example. But, I did not scream at the elderly woman who happened to notice that I'd forgotten what I was looking for in the grocery. For this is real life not Pee Wee's Playhouse. I sure would have liked to yell though. It's not just the grocery store that I seem to have lost focus or direction. It seems life direction is eluding me as well. One would think that everything would be clearer - more in focus if you will - since I've had so much time to devote to figuring out what I might want out of life. Actually, the opposite has happened. I find myself thinking I may want this so I guess I should try. No sense in giving up before the trying but let's set the time limit for when we plan on getting out. It seems so disheartening to already feel disappointed by what the immediate future holds. I'm normally much more excited about prospects for a new life. Which leads me to believe this is not the right path.

Then I should get off this path, correct? Well, there you'd be wrong. Because I am not able to walk away yet. I've tried the different scenarios out in my head and walking away offers me less comfort than trying. I can't go back on my word - I have to at least try. That brings me to another way the word "focus" has tortured me today. I have numerous things I should be doing to prepare for the new job and the move but I can't seem to put in the attention each task requires. I find my mind wandering and things taking much longer than need be to accomplish. So, I think and then say aloud to myself - "FOCUS!" Again, I wish to scream but do not.