Wii

I received a Wii for Christmas and it is an easy way to lose some time. One thing it does do that I didn't realize until just now is keep track of how much time is played. I just spent 2 hours playing a variety of games and I'd have sworn it was only 45 minutes. I love my new game system. I also love my new Simpsons game for Wii. Big thanks to my brother for that game - it rocks!

E-Z Pass

I got an E-Z Pass and used it on my trip to New York for Christmas. I had so looked forward to getting an E-Z Pass that my reaction to having one surprised me. I enjoyed using it on the NJ Turnpike. Most of those toll takers are unpleasant. I missed the bridge toll takers in NY though. That was always a signal that I was almost home and a good battery recharge. A pleasant exchange with a bridge toll taker and a warm wish for a happy holiday. I throughly enjoyed using my E-Z Pass on the way back to NC and used it at each toll but I considered what I'd do my next trip. I think next time I will use the E-Z Pass lanes most of the time but every now and then I'll go through a bridge toll the old fashioned way and pay cash.

Bhutto

I was saddened today by the death of a famous person. I felt this same way when Fred Rogers died but Mr. Rogers was a part of my everyday life from a very small age - and he taught me some important lessons about sharing, believing in myself, and tolerating siblings. Lessons I needed when I was very young. But this is not a feeling I have had often. I am not enamored with fame. I have never sought it myself and don't really understand the motivation of people that do. Thus, usually when someone famous dies I feel the equivalent of when someone mentions that their family member, whom I've never met, has passed away. Empathetic for the pain of the surviving family members and hopeful that the person in question enjoyed their life. All very detached, I'll admit, but perfectly appropriate, in my opinion.

Today was different - today I felt a personal loss for I viewed Benazir Bhutto as a shining example of all that one could be. What one life could mean, not only to the individual but to their family, community, and the world. And most inspiring, she represented what one woman could be in the face of male oppression - that women can have just as much intelligence, drive, strength, and influence as a man. I know she had flaws, as we all do, but I was inspired by her returning to Pakistan, and potential peril, to try and help her countrymen and maybe make up for past mistakes. The world will be a different place without her and most likely worse because of her assassination.

Why should you care what happens in Pakistan? Watch this YouTube video - it's from Canada but the same applies to the U.S. (if not more so since Bhutto was killed for "being an agent of the U.S.")

Definition of Insanity

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. We've all been there - that moment of clarity when one realizes their own temporary insanity. When it eventually dawns on you the patterns of your own behavior you feel foolish at first. But, then you realize you can go in another direction by changing your own behavior. I had such a moment of clarity today and feel as if this is the greatest Christmas present I've ever received. I also feel like all the events of the past year have led to this moment of clarity. I will change my own behavior moving forward and stop the insanity. The only thing one really can change is oneself and all the other changes are just ripples from that stone cast in the water.

'Tis the Passive Agressive Season

I have been invited to several holiday parties and at this point I've attended four of them. There have been several stand out moments and all have related to other people and how they treat each other. It seems that some people are so entrenched in their behavior they no longer know what is inappropriate at a party. For instance I was seated beside a couple at a dinner party the other night. They were pleasant enough and all of us were conversing about various topics, including their two small boys. Then the woman got up from the table and returned with some more food. Her husband proceeded to comment on how she did not need seconds. She politely tried to get him to refrain from saying anything further but he wouldn't leave it alone and actually said, "I forgot you're eating for two even though the other is 12 lbs." Now this woman looked lovely for having just had a baby two months ago and was most likely breast feeding. But her husband did not realize that his passive aggressive behavior was not only uncomfortable for the rest of us but also ineffective. For, when the woman went to get dessert she got two.

I wish I could say this was the only incident of rude behavior between two people that should be each others biggest fans. But alas, the party circuit showed other examples too shameful to mention. It made me wonder if some of these experiences were meant to show me how thankful I should be. This is my favorite time of year, no matter what is going on in my life, I love December. I find Christmas a positive experience that I always look forward to and am always filled with optimistic expectations for the New Year. I've found that this year those sentiments are especially true and I'm thankful for that.

Regrets

I had an interesting conversation with someone I just met at a party earlier this evening. He asked me if I had ever been married and I answered, "no." He looked genuinely shocked. I've seen this reaction on more than one man's face and knew he wouldn't let my simple "no" be the end of this line of questioning. He pressed on and said he "couldn't believe that" and "how did that happen" and all the usual things that men with his reaction say. You see he assumes, as most men do, that I've been dying to get married but haven't been able to capture a man and that's where his shock comes in because he is currently thinking that I am fabulous. Which, of course, I am. ;-)

I explained that I'd been close to getting married several times but that I always seem to get cold feet. His face changed and he sipped his drink as he considered this. When he was ready to speak again he just said, "Oh. Do you ever wonder about those men you were close to marrying? Do you regret that you didn't marry them? Do you think of what your life might be like if you had?"

Such profound questions from someone I do not know! I answered that wondering what your life might have been like if you'd taken a different path is akin to daydreaming but actually knowing that if you had it all to do over again you'd make a different choice is regret. And I do not have any regrets. He was surprised by this too. Until I elaborated that I like the person that I am - I am comfortable with myself - and I am this person because of the choices that I've made. Both good and bad. I wouldn't go back and change those choices because I'd be changing me and I like me as I am right now. I have, however, learned from the choices I've made in the past and I'll hopefully be wiser in the future but I wouldn't have that wisdom without my previous choices.

He mulled over everything I'd said and agreed. Although he is several years older than I, he said he is only now finding out who he is. He wishes he had made different choices in his past so he could have discovered things about himself years ago. It's interesting how conditioned we all are to want certain things and to follow a certain path. Despite the conditioning from society and my surroundings I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer. As such, I have usually taken a different path than the one others would choose for me or that they would choose for themselves. Often family and friends are perplexed by my choices or look upon me with sympathy when they view things as having worked out poorly. But, I have no regrets and on the occasions that I look back it is with fondness and gratefulness for how things have turned out. I've learned something from each choice I've made and the bolder and riskier the choice - or the "worse" it's turned out - the greater the reward in the experience I've had and what I've learned about who I am and what makes me happy. It's striking that those that stayed on the well traveled path should seem so lost, full of regret, and envious of choices I made.

Decorations of Red...

Okay, so not all of the decorations are red and they are not all on a green Christmas tree but I put up my Christmas decorations today. I love Christmas lights and I bought a fancy timer to make sure when I get home to my Charlotte abode my lights are on. They will also be on sometimes when I'm not at home. I'm sneaky like that. It wasn't that much work and my place looks fantastic! It is so festive it has really put me in the mood for Christmas even if the weather is supposed to warm up. I also put up some neat white lights around my kitchen that look so cool I think I'm going to leave them up even after Christmas. At least until I get sick of them, which I'm not sure will happen. It looks like an Italian restaurant in there now. Soothing ambiance reminiscent of good memories. Hmm...tidings of comfort and joy could last a long time.

A Quest

I recently decided on a thirty day quest. One that will explore my priorities in my daily life and challenge me to make sure that things I value most are the things I put the most effort into each day. I thought thirty days was a fair amount of time. Long enough to feel like a commitment, and easily sustainable after the thirty days was up should I so desire, but not so grandiose as to be daunting. Officially the thirty day quest begins tomorrow, December 1st. This way while everyone else is making New Year's Resolutions I'll already have resolved a number of things. However, I've been taking baby steps in preparing for the quest since I first decided upon it. Preparatory steps, if you will. I think I will learn a lot about myself and suspect it maybe easier than I first thought.

But, then I stumble upon things that make me think I can do more and this first thirty days is really the preparatory steps. Things like Fair Game's interview with A.J. Jacobs. (link) He wrote a book called The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible. The interview cracked me up and I knew I'd buy the book and read it within the next thirty days. Then I read the reviews of the book and realized it may offer more than a few laughs. It may alter my own quest by suggesting greater self challenges or stretching of perceptions. Hmm...what started out as a Christmas gift to myself is becoming so much more... but most quests have more depth than meets the eye.

Black Friday

So, I went shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. This day is known in the retail industry as "Black Friday." I have worked retail before and I have worked on that particular day. I have gotten up early to open a store to the mass of crazy people that seem to think they are getting a deal worth losing sleep over. I have never been one of those crazy people. That is until 2007. And, yes, I am still going to refer to all people willing to do this, including me, as crazy people.

First, I got up at 3:45am. I can only think of two or three other occasions in my life when I awakened, on purpose, before 4am in the morning after going to sleep at around 10:30pm. And those occasions were to catch planes to go on vacation and I promptly slept on the plane once I was buckled in. I did not go about doing a day's worth of activities. Once I was awake - or semi-conscious - I did not go to great lengths to get ready to go out. For instance, I did not style my hair. I put on a Mets cap and pulled my curls through the back. I would soon learn that I would be an exception in the crazy people world. Many of the women I encountered, including my aunt, had taken the time to fully style their hair, apply makeup, and put on jewelry. All to go shopping at 4am. It really must be true that women dress for other women and not for men. My Mets cap hairdo came in handy though - men in more than one store asked if I needed help finding something. Including a Yankee fan in Staples when I couldn't find the Blue Tooth that was on sale. And they say NY fans don't get along. Pshaw!

Anyway, we ventured out and went to J.C. Penney's. You maybe unaware, as I was, that good ole Jacque Penne' gives out snow globes on Black Friday but only so many. We missed the cutoff - entirely my fault for taking too long to get out of the house - and didn't get a snow globe. We passed Circuit City on the way out and I felt like shouting at the people lined up all around the building that they were crazy but I remembered, except for standing in the cold outside a closed store, I was one of them. Then we went Kohl's. Both JCP and Kohl's were open at 4am. We hit Kohl's at around 4:10 and it was crowded. We made our way through the store picked up the things we wanted and got in line. We left the Kohl's at around 4:30 with a good haul for 20 minutes.

As we were walking out of the store another woman was walking in front of us about 25 feet ahead of us. Now it was 4:30am so it was still dark but the parking lot had lights in it. We watched as a car pulled out from one of the parking bay aisles, turned to go in front of the store, and struck the woman in front of us. Yes, he hit a pedestrian. I was stunned! I recovered and immediately shouted, "are you okay?" She was not knocked over and her packages appeared to absorb most of the force but still she'd been hit by a car. She was also stunned by what had happened but managed to recover enough to say something to the driver of the vehicle. His defense was that he was concerned about hitting a car coming from another direction. She responded that she was more concerned about him hitting her than another car. I then loudly stated, "if you hit another car you get a ticket, if you hit a pedestrian you go to jail." She did not insist, as I would have, that he stay and they call the police. (Who knows how swollen her knees must have gotten later in the day - that's where the bumper hit her.) And everyone went on their way.

Our way took us next to Modell's and then to Old Navy. Both of which were in the same shopping center as a Staples. Staples did not open until 6am and there were people standing outside at 5am. Did I mention it was only in the mid-20's? Crazy people. The lines at Modell's and Old Navy weren't bad and everyone we encountered was very friendly. We experienced the same thing in the line at Kohl's. Overall most people seemed happy and full of the holiday spirit. That is until we went to the other Staples in time for it to open. It was a madhouse and people grabbed things so quickly that they were hard to find. Thus, why I looked lost and Yankee fan graciously offered his assistance. Staples was the only place where I saw people get testy with one another and it looked as if there could be problems. Office supplies, who'da thunk it?

After Staples we only had two more stops and I was hungry and tired. And if you know me or have read this blog you know I was also grumpy. I don't need a lot to be easy going but sleep, food, and attention from a boy when I want it are essential. As long as I feel pretty, am well rested, and not hungry I'm pretty easy to get along with. If any of those are out of whack, look out. Such was the case by 6:30am. So, I went to the bagel shop in the shopping center of our last stop while my aunt searched Bob's for a purchase. All that was left after our food stop was Ulta and it didn't open until 7am. We hit Ulta right as it opened, purchased our wares, and headed home. We weren't in the house five minutes and I went upstairs to take a nap.

I can honestly say it was an interesting and fun experience. I can almost understand why crazy people do it every year, especially if, like me, they have fun shopping companions and aren't buying something everyone else wants. However, I'd have to be talked into doing it again because I really love sleep. And next time there'd need to be coffee and good snacks.

Happier

I've been reading since before I started Kindergarten and I usually read a book or more each week. I've already plugged the Stephen Colbert book in an earlier post but I try to shy away from preaching about how everyone else should read the book I'm reading. For instance, I've only recommended the book Water For Elephants to people I thought would enjoy it as much as I did. I finished it a few weeks ago and thought it was engrossing and fantastic. But, if you didn't already hear from me about that book I wasn't sure if you'd enjoy it. Usually that's how I speak about what I'm reading. I tell the people I think will truly enjoy a book all about it. Or I answer questions when asked what I'm currently reading.

I say usually because the book I'm just finishing is probably going to be my soapbox speech book. The one I feel the need to tell EVERYONE about. It's called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD. He is a professor at Harvard and the book is based on one of his classes - the most popular class at Harvard. It's about positive psychology and how to be happier. Because, as Dr. Ben-Shahar explains, the question is not "am I happy?" but "how can I be happier?" It is fascinating! It articulates what most of us already know, that one is not necessarily meant to be as happy as someone else. We all have different levels that we start from but research has shown that each of us can be happier than we currently are. It gives some interesting ways to become happier and there are "Time In" assignments where you assess your own life and feelings. What I found most fascinating is that there is an entire class at Harvard about this and it appears to be needed. Because all of the evidence points to greater material wealth leading to greater depression rates.

Mostly, I must confess, I want everyone to read this book and do the assignments to see if they can really make themselves happier. Not only because everyone deserves to be happier and all that but I'm skeptical and want some anecdotal evidence. Can you learn optimism? Dr. Ben-Shahar claims he is a learned optimist. (Here's a link to his interview on National Public Radio.) I'm not sure I buy that. I've always been an optimist but there are several pessimists in my life circle and try as I might to get them to see the glass half full they can only do so for a short time period and they can't always do if for themselves. Now I'm not expecting anyone to be as happy, or as optimistic, as anyone else I just want to know if one can make gains beyond one's current state. For instance, if on a happiness scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being depressed and 10 being elated you are currently at a 4 can you get yourself to a sustained 6? The experimental evidence suggests you can. I'd like some real world examples not just some study reports. So, if the world is your classroom let this be a textbook, complete with homework assignments. We can discuss our assignments, the text, and whether the professor is accurate. Let the class begin!

Webkinz

As previously stated, I enjoy playing games. I especially like video games and am thinking of asking Santa for a Wii for Christmas. But, the newest thing I've found is Webkinz. It's a site for kids where a stuffed animal has a virtual existence, goes shopping, gets employment, and goes to the arcade - where there are lots of games. It is for kids, in theory, because you just have to buy a stuffed animal and get a code to get access to the site. So, anyone of any age can play on Webkinz. I was introduced to Webkinz by my cousins - they are 9, 7, and 6. They love it and I can easily see why. There are all kinds of games, versions of every game I played as a kid but updated, and there is also an element of The Sims to it as well.

I just spoke with my aunt, the mother of my Webkinz cousins, and she is addicted to some of the games as well. One game in particular has kept her occupied for the past two hours. I wouldn't recommend that but you can begin to see how fun it is. I just thought I'd pass the link along so you can ask Santa to bring you a new Webkinz for Christmas. I'm hoping for a blue hippo to go with the cow I already have. Maybe I should have been nicer this year.

The Pit Bull

In my line of work I meet an interesting variety of people, well, mostly men. There are the buttoned up suit and tie types, the developers, engineers, architects, and owners. Then there are the blue collar guys. The ones that actually do all the work. These are the ones I usually find most entertaining and when I start a new job or project with crews I've never met before I enjoy getting to know them and their stories. Rarely have I encountered a crew that did not have at least one member that had done some time in jail or prison and often there is one still on probation. But, I am almost always reminded that sometimes a good person can do a bad thing and regret it after the fact. I don't usually encounter men that should still be in prison because they haven't learned their lesson but it has happened.

My most interesting crew at the new job is actually several crews. It's a large project with three crews on it right now and everyone is working a lot of hours. Being new I felt the need to get to know the men I'd be working with and started introducing myself. I quickly learned that these crews were different in their own way. Unique not by the misdeeds they had done or by how reformed they were but because they didn't know each other's names. Yet they've been working together - many of them - for four or five years or more. From what I could gather there are a number that have biblical names, several Marks and Johns, quite a few Joses and Juans. So, they decided nicknames would be best and that is how they call each other. I met "Chicken Bone", "Big Sexy", "Shorty", and "Tiny." I also had the pleasure of being introduced to "Traveling Salesman" - he can be found all over the job and never stays in one place, "Preacher Man" - he refuses to work Saturdays because he goes to church so he's required to pray for everyone else, and "Midget" - he's new but thought since he'd met Shorty and Tiny he'd like to be called Midget. Like I said it's a big crew but this is a good sample of what their names are like.

I told them I thought I'd have some trouble calling them these names and couldn't they just tell me their given names. Most all of them responded the same way, they wouldn't know I was talking to them if I didn't call them by their nickname. I agreed to keep up with the tradition and will keep my word even though it means an awkward meeting with HR for me next week. HR wants to meet all of the employees and I'm supposed to introduce them. I guess "Chicken Bone" can tell them his real name if he wants to but I have no idea what it is.

As the rest of my time at this project progressed it came up that a subcontractor, one I know well, was not performing. I merely asked for his phone number - I didn't have it on me - and proceeded to call him. Like I said I know this subcontractor well, we go way back and he's always done a good job for me. I reminded him of this during our conversation. I also joked with him but he knew I needed him to step up and he agreed that he would. When I got off the phone and turned to the field management I found I suddenly had a nickname myself. Apparently, my ability to take hold of the situation and address it so directly earned me the title, "The Pit Bull." Now, as things come up and we are discussing how to handle something I hear "what do you think, Pit Bull?" Or, I come upon them speaking to each other and I hear "we'll get the Pit Bull to take care of that." I have, over the years, been able to earn the respect of crews that have worked for me and have had a good relationship with them but never have I felt so much a part of the field crew as I do now.

Double Life

So, I've decided not to move. Well, to clarify I've been given a couple of projects in Charlotte and I'm going to be spending quite a bit of time there each week. So moving just to travel back seemed pointless. The company has suggested that I keep my place in Charlotte and find a suitable place in Raleigh as well. We have yet to hammer out the details but it's looking like I will have two places and they will pay for one. I started thinking about how it'd be easiest to have two sets of toiletries and different clothes at each place. I'll be leading a double life.

It's not that I'm opposed to leading a double life per se. It might actually be easier than lugging stuff around all the time as I travel. I've been traveling so much for work and so often for the past few years that I yearn to feel settled. Maybe it will help to have two places to call home. It might also be helpful to have two places to try different decorating ideas out, it will make it easier to decide what I really like. But, it also got me thinking about the darker side of a double life. The ways in which one who travels often can become two different people and how that can be so tempting. How you can reinvent yourself in each location. You can have different relationships - seeking out in one city that which you do not get in the other. That's what a new place is, a chance to start over, to begin again. In theory each day is a new beginning but it's much easier to become whomever you want to be if you are in a new locale. It's like leaving the past, your past and all it's baggage, at the doorstep - or at the city limits.

The major drawback to me really leading a double life is I already have established connections in both cities. It's not like I'm getting to live in two new places or in cities that are a plane ride away. And I'm not really sure I'm cut out to be deceptive - I can't even play poker because I'm too expressive with what I think and feel. But sometimes it's nice to daydream.

Brrr and The Drought

So, I just got in from a long day out and about. I had a fun, eventful day and it made me realize how much Charlotte has grown on me in the past few months. Especially since I quit that job that was an albatross around my neck. Anyway, it meant I was gone from about 10 this morning and now it's after 10 at night. It's a little chilly in my place right now. It was only in the mid-60's here today and I don't get much direct sunlight. Needless to say, while I was out the house remained cool and I didn't think to put the heat on before I left. It was warmer this morning, I swear!

What I'd normally do on the first seriously cold day, such as this one, is turn on the heat and go upstairs and take a long hot bubble bath before going to bed. This way while the heat tried to dispel the chill of the day I'd be toasty warm in the bubbles and the sauna like bathroom. By the time the water cooled off some, and I finished both a chapter in my latest book and a nice glass of white wine, the heat would have made the house an acceptable temperature. Then I'd change into some cozy pajamas, dry my hair, and go to bed. Instead, I'm shivering and bundled up under covers with my computer on my lap trying to suck up all it's heat.

Why, you may ask? Because of the drought. Yes, I am a victim of the drought affecting the Southeast United States. I am currently under Phase 4 Water Restrictions. These restrictions include no baths - only showers and said showers are only supposed to last five minutes. Five minutes! Who do you know can take a five minute shower and actually be clean? I'd like to meet that person - from a distance of course because I'm betting they smell. It takes me five minutes to wash my hair. Much less the rest of me. And forget shaving and washing in five minutes. Five minutes! I, obviously, have been violating the five minute guideline and will continue to do so. But until they send some man with a stopwatch to time my showers I'll take my standard 15 minutes or so. Plus, I'm only one person - it's not like four other people are taking showers as well so I can use up some of their time. But, I am not going to take a bubble bath - as I was informed it is a waste of precious water.

We can't afford to waste any either. I went past the Catawba River today and it is very low. There are several mud islands that are exposed now. All of which were at least six inches or more under water this time last year. It doesn't look like there is an end in sight either. There is no rain of significance forecast in the near future and it would need to rain most of November and December to put a dent in the drought. It's an interesting position for me to be in - I'm usually not an advocate for rain. I think of it as a dirty four letter word that I don't like to say because it affects my livelihood. However, I really need some rain because it is affecting my life. I don't know about you but I like water. I like being able to turn on the faucet and have some come out. I like being able to fill up my Brita pitcher whenever I like and I also enjoy long hot showers, bubble baths, and flushing the toilet. Simple things like that bring me joy. But it especially brings me joy that my neighbors are able to shower as well. It seems some of them don't appear to have as much love of water as I have and they are using the drought as an excuse not to bathe. I do not like this aspect at all. PeeEEWW!

As of today there are 57 days of water left to sustain my town. 57 days. It still seems as though I will be moving prior to end of those 57 days. In case anyone's wondering - 57 days from today is December 30, 2007. But, alas, I am questioning whether moving to Raleigh is a good idea for Raleigh will run out of water on January 25, 2008. It really gives me pause because I really love water. And bubble baths.

Elusive Answers

"Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same." - The Wallflowers

That's how I feel in a nut shell. I don't feel like I've changed but I'm clearly not the same. I guess that's what an existential crisis is all about - evolving. I am not the same person I was three months ago and yet I am not that different. I feel more defined, more myself than I have in fifteen years, and as such certain things don't fit well in my life anymore. One of those things was my relationship with Clark Kent. I had been having doubts that were so loud they were deafening ever since I started this new job and was unhappy with it. I didn't view going to CT as a viable option and I didn't want to discuss my job hesitations with him - the person I should want to discuss everything with. It turns out he was feeling much the same way and we broke up today. I wouldn't say that I feel devastated or even that hurt. I'm sad but more because it seems like this is a timing issue for each of us - I met him at the wrong time in my life. He's a great guy - one that could be great for me - but he isn't great for me now and I'm not great for him either.

Alas, as I age I realize sometimes that's all life is about, timing. And when the timing's wrong it doesn't matter what you do or what else is right it's not going to work. So, I'm sad but more because I still feel so direction-less in so many aspects of my life. For this did not bring me any great clarity or real relief. It has been more like "oh well, what now?" It hasn't changed my perspective on the job, or on living in Raleigh, or on anything. I realized I hadn't been factoring him into any of those contemplations for quite sometime. I wish I had more clarity not less.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, yet again, and try to figure out whether I want this life I've arranged for myself. I have hope that I will grasp the elusive answers to what will make me truly happy but it's a faint glimmer at this point.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I sometimes have trouble making decisions. Oh, not the ones that mean anything to me - those I can usually discern what to do and go about doing it. I mean decisions like should I choose A or B when I don't care whether I end up with A or B. For instance, when I was working on a project in Virginia a coworker and I had to divide the work load and often two tasks were equally tedious or cumbersome. I didn't have a preference, as I said I viewed them as equal, but he refused to vocalize his preference. So, we resorted to the best form of decision making I know - Rock, Paper, Scissors. Eventually we used it when we did have preferences so a reprieve from a horrid task would be fairly won. We'd play Rock, Paper, Scissors for everything. Who would call a pain in the tail subcontractor, who would do a spreadsheet, and who would get to choose where we'd eat lunch. I hadn't played RPS so much since I was a child. But it made each task fun. It made choosing between equally boring items a game. I have since had to resort to the poor man's RPS - flipping a coin - in making some decisions lately.

It's not the same but flipping a coin is a fair substitute. In trying to make mundane decisions I sometimes get stuck in the analysis of the choices. I try so hard to discern the pros and cons of each and the differences amongst them that when they appear too close to call I am left wondering what to do. One thing I do know is that not deciding is still deciding. You are just deciding to leave things as they are - for better or worse. Sometimes that works, other times it does not. I can't after all do neither A or B - I have to actually pick one even if I can't see the difference between them. I usually assign A to Heads and B to Tails. Then send the quarter into the air and see what happens. If when I see the result I have qualms about the outcome then I know I really do have a preference between A and B. Either way the mundane decision is easy. However, the fun, and the thrill, of a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is much greater than the outcome of the mundane decision. That is why flipping a coin will never compare.

In Rock, Paper, Scissors another person is there and they have the power to override my sudden preference realization. Actually, if I vocalize that I have a preference I am opening myself up to ridicule if I am the loser. In my childhood, my siblings would have said things like, "I won fair and square" and now, most adults haven't outgrown that inclination no matter what their age. It is that human interaction, the simplest of games - played for usually the merest of prizes - that makes Rock, Paper, Scissors so special.

I came across this today and answered the questions. It made me nostalgic. For days of my childhood and times with my siblings. For days in the mountains of Virginia on the best project I've ever worked. But mostly for days filled with laughter and play and friendly faces. Even if I did sometimes get smothered.

You Are Rock

Powerful and overbearing, you intimidate people with your presence. People know they can't push you around, and they respect that. Deep down, you are calm, confident, and unmovable. You take everything pretty seriously, and you think deeply about all aspects of your life. You tend to feel smothered by paper people. You don't mind crushing the spirit of a scissors person. When you fight, you: Use all of your strength If someone makes you mad: You're likely to throw something at them

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

Humor

I am eligible to work in the United States but these days it's not enough just to check the box on the application. So, today I had to bring both my passport and driver's license in to work to be photocopied. Given my pale Irish skin, blue eyes, and Italian last name I thought it funny to crack jokes with the woman from HR about how I'd really just made my way across the porous Southern U.S. border on my first day. She doesn't have my sense of humor so she didn't think I was so funny. I found it very amusing to say, "I am not an illegal" but she was grim faced. So, since she was not amused by me previously I just gave her my stuff today.

It got me thinking though, I'm sure the woman from HR has a sense of humor, after all, everyone does. It's just that not everyone has the same sense of humor. How sad it is that not everyone can find all of the things I find funny amusing. Because I find A LOT of things funny! I wonder how people with different senses of humor get by because laughing at life and everything in it is how I get through the day. I relish finding something else that makes me laugh and crack myself up thinking of something that made laugh earlier. I am THAT person. The one that can always see the humor in any situation.

For instance, I love satire, especially Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I recently purchased Stephen Colbert's "I Am America (And So Can You)" on audiobook. I highly recommend the audiobook because you will laugh out loud! Well, you will if you have a sense of humor similar to mine. There are parts in it that made me howl with laughter as I was driving down the road and I've found it funny enough to listen to more than once. But not everyone loves satire. For instance, BET, Black Entertainment Television, came out with a satirical cartoon (do not click link at work or in public) about reading and it caused an uproar. I found it just as funny as I found Stephen Colbert calling Americans of child-bearing age that choose to remain single because they saw their parents divorce and are afraid of going through the same thing "a drain on society." The man mocked my fear of commitment, and reasoning behind it, and called me a drain on society and I laughed. And I laughed because it was funny and it was funny because it was mostly true.

I guess humor is one of the more perplexing aspects of human personality. What makes something funny to one person and not to another? And why is it that some people are able to laugh at themselves easily and others are not?

Twilight Zone Episode 1 - Return to the Work Force

I used to love the television show "The Twilight Zone." I enjoyed all episodes but was the biggest fan of the black and white ones from back in the 1960's. I, of course, only saw those in reruns and didn't get to see them all. My favorites were when the main character would awaken from a nap or come home from work and find that some elements of their life were as they should be while other elements were very different. It would take them a while to try and put their finger on what was amiss and the nagging feeling that haunted them in each episode was part of the suspense. The supporting characters would continue to act as if the turmoil was all in the main character's mind. Clearly everything is as it should be - why are YOU causing trouble. It was all so surreal and psychologically confusing.

My parents rarely monitored what I watched on television in the hour I was allowed to stay up later than my siblings. I doubt they would have approved of my love of "The Twilight Zone." I would have trouble sleeping after watching an episode and would lie awake in bed listening to my sister snore. I'd wonder what would happen when I awoke, would everything be the same? Was reality what I perceived it to be in the first place? Naturally, I'd eventually fall asleep and when I woke up my twelve year old life was as it was the day before. My adult life, however, seems more like the "Twilight Zone" everyday.

I returned to the work force this week. As I previously posted this company came to me. I probably would have waited another month or so to look for a job of any type if they hadn't. There are a couple reasons this company pursued me. The first being my reputation for getting things done and the second being that several former coworkers are currently employed there. They would be the supporting characters in this episode for clearly I am the star. The two main supporting characters I used to work with are a guy I worked with for three years at two other companies, MB, and another guy I worked with for two years, SH. So, MB, SH, and I are falling into some old patterns and it's feeling like old times. Except I haven't worked with either of them for more than two years. It's actually been three years since I worked with MB.

So, I find myself feeling awkward. I was hired because of the experience I've gained in the past three years and both MB and SH know this. They actually keep turning to me and expecting me to address problems based on this experience but our relating to one another is falling back into old habits. Some of which show no respect for knowledge I might possess now. I was pretty green when I first started working with each of them 7 years ago. There are moments where they seem to be stuck on that version of me - and treat me as the person I was 7 years ago. While the majority of our interactions do not bother me it has all seemed so surreal. In addition to the job being more stressful than I was led to believe I have the distinct impression that I've gone back in time some how. Like I'm stuck in a parallel universe to where my life was just a mere week ago. Like I've woken up in "The Twilight Zone." I can't explain it and that's what makes it even more "TTZ" like. It's this constant nagging feeling that something is amiss and needs to be rectified. Exactly what it is, and how to address it, I don't know yet. But it seems to be only me that has this unease, all the supporting characters think things are perfectly normal. Again, very TTZ-ish. Is all the turmoil in my mind? Is it me? I don't honestly know.

Needless to say, the first week has been somewhat of a tumble down the rabbit hole. Will it get better? Will I gain clarity? Will the less stressful job they promised materialize? Only time will tell but how I wish this were a thirty minute episode to be resolved in short order.

Focus

When I was a kid there was a television show on Saturday mornings called "Pee Wee's Playhouse." My brother was a huge fan of the show and as part of the Saturday morning compromise all of us watched it. One thing Pee Wee always did was the word of the day and everytime someone said the word everyone would scream. If my life were like Pee Wee's Playhouse the word of the day for today would be "focus." And, much like Pee Wee's Playhouse, anytime I hear it, or think it, I feel like screaming.

Now the word focus has many definitions. If you followed the link above you are aware of just how many. I have been plagued by both the noun and the verb "focus" today. Don't believe me? Allow me to explain. First, I have had some problems with my new contacts and glasses. The world seems largely out of focus when it should be crystal clear. I did, after all, pick which was better one or two and then three or four more than once last week. The new contact for my left eye appears to wish it were something else - because it certainly doesn't want to be a contact lens that stays on an eyeball and allows said eyeball to focus on the world. So, while I've been dealing with the revolt of the left lens I have been trying to wear my new glasses. I have not worn glasses consistently, ever. The glasses are messing with my vertigo. Making it hard to focus on the world for I feel quite sea sick inside my own head. Needless to say the optometrist is supposed to fix the contact situation tomorrow. As for the glasses, they tell me I need to wear them until my brain adjusts. Easy for them to say, the world is largely in focus for them.

The other ways I have been vexed by the word focus today are not as easy to explain. A stranger remarking that I appear to have "lost my focus" is one example. But, I did not scream at the elderly woman who happened to notice that I'd forgotten what I was looking for in the grocery. For this is real life not Pee Wee's Playhouse. I sure would have liked to yell though. It's not just the grocery store that I seem to have lost focus or direction. It seems life direction is eluding me as well. One would think that everything would be clearer - more in focus if you will - since I've had so much time to devote to figuring out what I might want out of life. Actually, the opposite has happened. I find myself thinking I may want this so I guess I should try. No sense in giving up before the trying but let's set the time limit for when we plan on getting out. It seems so disheartening to already feel disappointed by what the immediate future holds. I'm normally much more excited about prospects for a new life. Which leads me to believe this is not the right path.

Then I should get off this path, correct? Well, there you'd be wrong. Because I am not able to walk away yet. I've tried the different scenarios out in my head and walking away offers me less comfort than trying. I can't go back on my word - I have to at least try. That brings me to another way the word "focus" has tortured me today. I have numerous things I should be doing to prepare for the new job and the move but I can't seem to put in the attention each task requires. I find my mind wandering and things taking much longer than need be to accomplish. So, I think and then say aloud to myself - "FOCUS!" Again, I wish to scream but do not.

Family Feud

Now, if you know me at all you know I love to play games. Not the drama filled psycho manipulative ones the family fun board type or video. As luck would have it I have a plethora of siblings that feel the same way. So, last night it was my Dad's b-day and we played the newest Monopoly. It has debit cards and no cash. It was quite amusing. Especially since I made several jokes about my brother being an Enron accountant. Everything costs a lot more - like in the millions - and I ended up going bankrupt. But, it was Dad's birthday so he should have won anyway.

BTW, he is really my step-father not my father. But he did all the things that Dads do - like teaching me to drive, complaining about how much time I spent on the phone or in the bathroom as a teenager, and has always been there for me. Up to and including last week when I called home to say I wouldn't be moving to Connecticut. He answered that he thought I'd made the right decision because I'd earn more money and Clark Kent and I would have time to make sure things were right. He added that he thought things were working out for the best and I'd end up with Clark Kent if I was supposed to - if he deserved me. But he also spoke the magic words sometimes every girl wants to hear; "I'll fill Mom in on everything." I just wanted to clarify that he is my Dad but he is not the father I referred to in an earlier post that committed adultery.

So, I'm having a great time in New York playing Monopoly with the family and sporadically listening to an audio book I picked up before coming here. It's called The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. I heard about it from a few friends at a dinner in Raleigh on Friday night and like usual I picked it up. Yes, I seriously do read the books that people suggest. It seems two or three people at the table had already read it so I figured it must have something to offer. The principle is fairly simple there are five different languages that make people feel loved. Not all of us speak the same primary language. What I might have as my primary language might not make you feel loved at all and vice versa. The five languages are: Words of Affirmation (compliments, kind words, words of appreciation, "I love you"), Gifts (have to be specific to show you were thinking of the person), Quality Time (spending time doing an activity or talking focusing your attention on the other person), Acts of Service (doing something to assist someone else - to make their life easier), and Physical Touch (hugs, pats on the back, touches in general). After listening to this book I was able to determine that I am what is called bi-lingual. Meaning I have two love languages that make me feel most loved and when I don't get them I feel unloved. My two are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I feel most loved when spending time with people I care about - when they make time for me I feel special and like they care. I feel closest to them when I do an activity or have a conversation with them. I also realized that if I get nothing but criticism all the time in the world is meaningless for I also need words of affirmation. The book also describes how to give others love in their primary language once you determine what it is, and how they will feel more loved by you if you do so.

I considered individual family and friends and was able to spot the primary love language of many of them. Others were harder. One person I contemplated was my youngest brother. He's fifteen and a little hard to figure out. I was thinking of him today as I was listening to a section on siblings. The book says when you find someone's primary love language they will often thank you with a note or with kind words. They will feel so loved and appreciated their primary love language will be easy to spot. I got back to the house after running errands and there was a note on the kitchen table from my youngest brother. The note said how much he enjoyed playing Monopoly last night and how he hoped I wasn't leaving too soon. I knew then that he, like me, is a Quality Time person.

So, I went upstairs to his messy teenage room. He broke into a smile when he saw me. I think he thought I might leave without saying goodbye. We talked for a bit and then I asked if he wanted to play a round of Family Feud on the computer. He said he'd forgotten all about it - we'd played last time I was home - but definitely. We had a great time. The questions in Family Feud are sometimes harder than you think. "Name a bird most people dislike. Top Three Answers on the Board." We cracked ourselves up with talking about the game. And we talked about family stuff and our individual lives. In the end I totally kicked his butt. But, I didn't rub it in and it wouldn't have mattered to me if I'd lost. For although there are twenty years between us I felt close to him and I felt loved and I venture to think he did too.

Last Days of Vacation

So, as many of you already know I accepted a job offer. Sheer craziness on my part I'm now thinking. I don't start until October 15th but I feel like a little kid at the end of summer vacation. I seriously can't believe I have to go back to work! I have done a lot with my time off but there are still so many things I'd like to do and a J-O-B will seriously cramp my style.

In addition to working again it also means I will be moving back to Raleigh very soon. That isn't what I had originally planned when I started on this journey but sometimes life takes you off the course you had planned. I wasn't 100% sure of what the next step would be but I had some ideas and I was trying to sort them out. Then along came this job. From the description it's the job I've been working my whole career towards. Can't really say no to that. Plus, if I turned it down I'd always wonder if I should have taken it. So, it's back to work I go. We'll see how it pans out. It maybe my dream job and it maybe another dead end but only trying will let me know that. At least this way I'll know. There will be no regrets and no festering resentment at an opportunity wasted.

Needless to say, it means I'm definitely not moving to Connecticut right now. The decision was still up in the air when this job came along and it would have been impossible for me to move without seeing if this job is for me. So, Clark Kent is in Connecticut finding his way around his new town and his new job and I'm preparing for my move and new job. We haven't figured out exactly what this means yet but I know that we're doing what we need to in order for us to have the greatest chance of success.

That being said, I'm trying to figure out - in addition to preparing for the move - what to do with my last week. I am definitely going to New York to see my family. They were so excited about me potentially moving so close to home that I feel like I need to see them again before I go back to work. Then I may hit a couple of places in New England to see the leaves and maybe back to North Carolina. Any thoughts or suggestions?

A Wedding Story

I am, for the most part, an easy going girl. I kind of roll with the punches and figure when things don't go the way I'd like that there has to be some sort of reason; one that will become clearer to me later on. So, when I found out I'd have to go to this wedding in West Virginia by myself I planned an excursion and figured the real reason for this change would become apparent later. It did so today - it's because God loves me.

I don't really know how to describe the wedding I attended today but I will try. I do, however, know for certain that there is no way that my description will do justice to the events as they actually occurred. Nor will I be able to convey just how many times I whispered to myself, "thank you Jesus for making me come to this wedding by myself." Because, like I said, I'm a roll with the punches kind of girl so all of the things that happened I took in stride. Not everyone else was able to do so and I'm afraid Clark Kent would have had problems with today as well. And nothing that happened today upset me but I would have been stressed out if I had to worry about his reaction.

I guess I should start at the beginning and say this was the wedding of my former step-mother. She was married to my father for more than 20 years until my father had an affair and their marriage broke up. I was always close to her and have remained so even after their divorce seven years ago. Today she was marrying a former world champion frisbee player. He's an easy-going, personable, friendly, fun-loving younger man who'd do just about anything to make her happy. In other words the polar opposite of my father. The wedding was set at a small lakeside community in a tiny town in the mountains of West Virginia. My former step-mother is originally from NY and her new hubby is originally from Canada - with family in NY and NJ. She has lived in WV since the late 1970's in a hippie kind of community and I have often called her an "earth biscuit."

Let's just say it's the wedding between the Earth Biscuit Bride (EBB) and the Frisbee Champion Groom (FCG). So, EBB's family is small and mostly from NY and New England and they all came for the wedding. FCG's family is fairly large and from NY, NJ, and Canada and they too came for the wedding. The other guests were from various circles in their lives; the frisbee people, the jugglers, the school people, and the hippies. To say that the dress code varied would be an understatement. There were people dressed comparable to me - I wore a tasteful v-neck Evan Picone purple dress, black stockings, and black Cole Haan heels and appropriate jewelry. Then there were people dressed like they were going to the flea market. One man had on a black wife beater and faded plaid golf pants. And there were several degrees of dress in between the extremes.

Prior to the ceremony there was entertainment on the lawn near the clubhouse. There were dancing bears, jugglers, frisbee tosses, a woman with masks and fans doing a butterfly dance, a couple other dressed up characters, and a couple of musicians. Oh, I almost forgot - there was also a mime! At the start of the ceremony certain guests walked through the arches of paper streams - this you'd had to have seen- and down the aisle to their seats. (I found out after the ceremony that I'd messed up and I was supposed to do this but my brother forgot to tell me.) Anyway, the grandmothers were escorted by ushers as is somewhat traditional. Except for one grandma her usher was the mime. I am not kidding. The mime walked Grandma down the aisle with huge exaggerated steps and made all kinds of jokes along the way. At one point he took a red hankerchief out of his pocket, jumped ahead of slow walking Grandma in the aisle, and pretended he was a matador and she was a bull. That's just one of the things the mime did to Grandma before letting her sit down. FCG's family - some of whom were seated near me didn't think the mime was so funny. Meanwhile, others in the crowd cackled and encouraged him to do more and more things to poor Grandma. I can't say I didn't laugh. Hey, how often do you see a mime at a wedding?

Then came the EBB down the aisle - with her bridesmaids, flower girl, and the woman with the fans in front of her. When EBB and FCG were side by side there was another woman that sang a song. A song that apparently we were all supposed to sing along with the chorus. However, no one ever gave us a program so we did not know this. The minister seemed to be unaware of this - even though she didn't know the words to the chorus - and actually got irritated and chastised everyone for not singing along. The middle portion of the ceremony focused on love and how well-suited EBB and FCG seem for one another. (They are well-suited for one another.) Then the minister asked for the rings. The best man didn't have them. The musicians started to play ominous music - like from an old western. Then the mime stood up in the back and raced towards the front. He acted out a whole scenario, going up to various people and checking to see if they'd stolen the rings, and ended with him finding one of the dancing bears in the clubhouse. Turns out the dancing bear had the rings on a pillow. Cause he was the "ring bear" - get it? Then the ring bear danced up the aisle to the best man.

After the ceremony was over I had to help my sister with her processing of the wedding. She likes FCG fine and is happy with him as her step-father but she thought the wedding was a farce. I mostly listened and offered some big sister advice. I, of course, had been thanking Jesus most of the time that Clark Kent wasn't there. So, I couldn't really fault her for being upset. I just told her maybe she should try and alter her expectations of her mother, otherwise she'd end up disappointed a lot.

The rest of the evening went much like weddings do - I had dinner with a couple of FCG's uncles. Nice gentlemen from NY. We talked NY and baseball. Once they found out I loved baseball too I was in with their family. Then various people tried to set me up with a young groomsman. Ah, one of the "joys" of going to a wedding alone. And, my personal favorite, my brother got drunk. Not only did he get drunk but he then tried to dance when they started calling some contra dances. (I did mention that the wedding was in West Virginia, right?!) So, there were several Canadians and New Yorkers trying to contra dance and that was funny enough but the funniest was my brother.

After a couple of giggles at his expense I went to say goodbye to the happy couple. They were still beaming, positively glowing, at each other. Maybe everyone should start off their married lives with a mime.

Indianapolis

Not too much excitement happened in Indianapolis. About the only piece of advice I have is don't stay on the east side of town. The I-70 exits between downtown and I-465 are closed. I had heard something about this way back in March and of course forgot about it until I went to go exploring. Needless to say Mapquest and Google didn't take the closures into consideration when giving me directions. Luckily, I know how to read a map and happened to pick one up.

As one might expect I was stuck in traffic. It was a beautiful fall day and I had the windows down and wasn't really paying attention to those around me. However, one man in particular was paying attention to me. He made his way through traffic to me and introduced himself. Yes, I met yet another guy at a traffic light! He was very good looking, polite with a mid-western accent, and very smooth. Although I bid him farewell, he made my day. I venture to think every woman likes to be complimented so skillfully while they are stuck in traffic. I know I do.

I had a nice time exploring but overall I am indifferent to Indianapolis. I'd go back if the occasion arose and I'd never return all with the same amount of enthusiasm. I guess it just didn't inspire any kind of emotion in me. I found it to be a lot like it is on television - the NCAA tourney clips of the city really do it justice.

After seeing all I wanted to see there I started to head towards West Virginia. Which meant I got to see more of Indiana. Lo and behold there was a sign on I-70 East for the "Wilbur Wright Birthplace & Museum." Of course, I stopped. I'll just say that I love aviation and am a huge Wright Bros. fan. I'll also put out there that I have made the trip to Kitty Hawk. I went soon after I moved to North Carolina. I did not expect much from this excursion but wanted to see what they had. First I had to drive off the interstate, following signs for miles, into a "Children of the Corn" setting. I was very happy to finally find Wilbur Wright's Birthplace. There was a lot to see and there was a lot of information about the time period the Wright's lived there but they only lived there for 2 years! They had another building that had a lot on the Wright Brothers flight experiments - Kitty Hawk's is better but it wasn't bad. Overall, it was worth the $4 and the drive to check it out but I kept wondering why they'd bothered. I mean Wilbur Wright only lived there 2 years. Why go to all the effort? Especially when the historic events of his life happened in NC. Maybe it's me.

Louisville

Louisville, Kentucky is like some people you encounter, a little rough around the edges but if you take the time to look below the surface what you find is delightfully refreshing. On the surface the town seems a little past it's prime. The buildings are old, mostly worse for the wear, and there doesn't seem to be much of a revitalization effort going on. Added to that it is overcast and dreary today, so I was skeptical to say the least. But, once I started to really look at the town there are several examples of interesting architecture and there seems to be a thriving art scene in these old buildings.

I found this place called Glassworks that really was fascinating. It claims it is the only facility of its kind in the country and it showcases three different types of glass art studios. The studio I found most interesting was in a huge garage where they take molten glass and turn it into blown glass art. I spent a while watching that. Then there was another one that didn't fascinate me as much where they used glass tubes and blow torches. Last was an architectural gallery that showed how glass is incorporated in architecture. I found myself remembering how often I spent time wandering places like this with my college boyfriend. He would have loved to spend hours in this gallery. I found it enjoyable but was done after twenty minutes. Since he's no longer my boyfriend I was free to leave. Yeah, for being older and wiser!

I ate lunch at this interesting cafe - Lynn's Paradise Cafe. I found out about it prior to coming here. It's apparently one of the top places to eat in America. I would concur with that opinion. I had a fried green tomato blt for lunch and just got a derby pie milkshake to go. You see I'm typing this as I sit in Lynn's - they have wifi too. Add to that the interesting decor and the friendly waiter, Alex, and who could ask for anything more. I definitely recommend checking out Lynn's if you find yourself in Louisville.

While I enjoyed both of those places my favorite place in Louisville was the Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory. Talk about a baseball fan's idea of fun. Once again, since I was alone I got to spend as much time as I wanted. The tour guide was funny, the shop guys were amusing, and I got to see all kinds of bats being made.

As you can see I've had a great day but I think the main reason for this is that Louisville is a friendly town. There's no other way to describe it. All the people I've encountered have been incredibly friendly. I think it's an attitude that's contagious, because I met some people from Minnesota and they were catching the friendly fever too.

Well, off to Indy now. Hoping it is as impressive as Louisville.

Finally, Mountain Goats

Today was just a travel day. I had somethings to take care of in Charlotte before hitting the road and then it was going to take 7.5 hours to get to Louisville if I drove straight through. Which I did not. I had to stop for gas, food, pee breaks, and coffee. I found Tennessee as I always find Tennessee. It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there. And, I've already given my opinion on South Carolina, it hasn't changed. That just leaves Kentucky. Seeing it for the first time I was fascinated by the fields with rolling hills and then a couple miles later huge cut sections for the roadway in the side of a mountain. I can't wait to explore more of Kentucky tomorrow.

The only part of today I truly did not enjoy was driving on I-40 in the Smokey Mountains. I am not prone to carsickness, especially if I am driving, but there were a few moments on that stretch of road where it was pretty close. The road winds a lot but that normally doesn't bother me. I lived in the mountains of Virginia for years with no problems. I don't know what was going on today but it's a wonder I made it without hurling. The thing that proved to be a great distraction from my nausea - mountain goats! I'm serious. There were two that came down the side of a shear face and started eating grass on the shoulder of the road. Everyone slowed down to look. It was the one time I did not mind people rubbernecking. I've been trying to see real mountain goats in the wild - not in a zoo - for years. There are several places out west that are supposedly great to see them. I went to those places and didn't see the first one. Today, I'm driving along in Tennessee about to hurl and finally, I see some mountain goats. Go figure.

On the Road Again

I had a very productive day today. I argued with the phone company. My home phone hasn't been working since I got home from my first adventure. They have yet to fix my problem. I will very soon not have a home phone any longer because I'm going to tell them to disconnect it. No sense paying for something that doesn't work. I cleaned, did laundry, went shopping - found a dress for a wedding (no small feat, there), washed my Suzuki, got the oil changed in it, and planned my next trip.

That's right, starting tomorrow, I'm going back out on the road. I have a wedding I'm going to in West Virginia on Saturday and I mapped out how I could take a scenic route to get there. Here it is in case you'd like to see it too.

View Larger Map

Already figured out the things I'd like to see in both Louisville and Indianapolis. Just have to make sure I find the time to find a wedding gift as well. Looks like it will be a fun time. I'm going to try "couchsurfing" for the first time in Indianapolis, if all goes well. If not, I'll be staying in hotels the whole time. I'll keep everyone posted as to how it works out. So, stay tuned for "Trippin' Two" The Sequel.

Reflections

Looking back on my trip, as I have the past couple days, I've noticed a few moments stand out more than others. On Friday morning I was in a restaurant on my own, awaiting my breakfast and reading a book. The hostess seated an elderly couple next to me. I could hear their conversation and it made me smile. They were both in their mid-70's and she was quiet, subdued, and proper. While he was jovial, given to bursts of big laughter, and sometimes spoke a little too loudly. He tried to make sure she was comfortable and was genuinely interested in everything she had to say. They were on their first date. He told her about trips he'd been on "back in '65" and she told him about going to similar places. They talked of former spouses and how hard it was to lose them but he tried to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction. When they left it was obvious they'd had a nice time and would probably see each other again.

I realize that I, too, am that optimistic. I believe in love, I believe in making sacrifices to keep it, and I believe in trying to find it even when life has thrown you curves. I also know I'll be more like that gentleman than like that lady when I'm their age. I'm certain my "strong personality" as some would refer to it won't change in time. I'll still be laughing and talking too loudly in public places when I'm 80. But to me the important part of that thought is that I'll be laughing when I'm 80. And, while I can often be quiet, subdued, and proper just as she was I don't think at 80 I'll want to be those things anymore. I think I'll want to live loudly at that stage of my life.

I spoke of this journey as being a way to remind myself of who I am and who I hope to become. When I first set out I thought I'd get on the path to finding myself for sure. In defining - if only to myself - who I am. That's a question we rarely ask ourselves, let alone each other. We often concentrate on what someone does or whom one knows as opposed to who they are. I KNOW who I am now. I've begun to speak to myself with that internal dialogue we all need in order to find our place in the world. Somewhere along the way, over the past couple years, I'd stopped listening to it. But, now I can hear it clearly. I hope I do not lose my way again but I'm confident if I do, I'll find my way back. I am, at my core, an optimist.

Introspection

I came home yesterday, well technically today, I got in past midnight. I was pretty sure on Thursday that I needed to head home and Friday really cinched it. I needed some medicine I'd left at home and I also discovered that when I'm introspective I'm also insensitive to others. Which is not something I'm proud of but at least I'm aware enough that I realized it.

While the slights I've given to friends and family were all unintentional, I do feel bad about them and am genuinely sorry. All of those have to do with not having any forethought about a situation or with not listening enough when you needed me. Once again, I am sorry for each instance and can't apologize enough. However, the thing I most regret was making a blind man - a stranger to me - feel uncomfortable. Normally, I am sensitive to my surroundings and try to put others at ease. I'm known both professionally and in my family for being able to smooth over a situation. Mostly that's because I pay attention to others and try and put myself in their position. As I've been introspective I seem to have lost that ability - I'm so wrapped up in my own head that these things are not occurring to me.

I'd gone into the Gulf Island National Seashore Welcome Center to look around and maybe buy some postcards. The man behind the counter was dressed in a uniform - I assume a National Park's one - and said hello. I replied in kind and didn't think much of the fact that he seemed more interested in something behind the counter than in me. I looked at everything, found the postcards that I wanted, and made my way back to the counter. At the counter I found another brochure I wanted to look at and I continued browsing. The man asked if I needed help with something. I told him I needed to know the date for something and he got up to find a calendar. After a brief conversation I told him I was "ready to pay for this stuff." He then moved over to the cash register but didn't take my postcards. After a few moments he asked me what I had and I told him. Then the cash register started to speak in a computer voice as he typed in my purchases. I STILL didn't get that the man was blind! When he came back to me to get the money I didn't hold it anywhere near him! He then had to say to me, "Miss?" with such a pained expression that I felt about an inch tall. It dawned on me then. How freaking stupid - or oblivious - could I be? I gave him the money and made sure to take my change in such a way that it didn't drop. But the discomfort he felt was palpable and it was my fault. All of the signs were there - it was obvious looking back - I was just too self-absorbed to notice.

It was then that I was positive I didn't want to be on the road anymore - or really around anyone else for a bit. I have some things I need to sort out in my own head and I don't want to cause any grief to anyone else while I do it.

The Gulf Coast

So, down the Gulf Coast we traveled today - me in my Suzuki and Ed in his Saturn. At first I let Ed lead – for about five minutes - and then I passed him on the highway. We traveled down to Gulfport, Mississippi first. It is the home of Seabees Museum and we stopped there. Talk about a hassle. The museum is on the naval base and I’d forgotten what a pain it is to get on base. Made me remember why I gave up military men. Hehe. The Seabees fight and build. They are the ones that go in and build all of the roadways, bridges, and buildings for military commands. The Seabees in Gulfport also did a lot of the Hurricane Katrina clean up. It was an interesting museum because in addition to all the construction they perform they also have to fight the enemy from time to time. I had heard about it and had planned to go when it didn’t look like Ed was going to come with me down the Gulf Coast. But, it turns out both of Ed’s grandfather’s were Seabees, so he was interested to see the museum as well.

After that, I was hungry and grumpy. So, we went in search of food, which we did not find until we reached Biloxi, Mississippi. It was by pure chance that we found the Biloxi Schooner – a seafood restaurant. I asked about the soft shell crab po-boy and how it was cooked. The waitress said it was good but that I should only get it if I was adventuresome because the shell and all are fried. It is all completely edible but some tourists have a hard time eating it once they see it. The picture is of my po-boy. It was a little odd looking but it tasted good. And it doesn’t look like that anymore cause it’s in my belly. Yum! As we were leaving we discovered that both President George W. Bush and Trent Lott had eaten at the Biloxi Schooner. Their pictures were on the wall. They were very smiley in the pictures – maybe they had the soft-shell crab po-boy for lunch too. Or maybe the pictures were taken before Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq war, and Trent’s other troubles. :-)

One thing we discussed at lunch was how there are still signs of the destruction left by Hurricane Katrina. After two years one would think the area had been rebuilt completely but it hasn’t been. It made me realize that if this is what the area looks like after all of this time it must have been awful before. There is no way what we saw on television could have possibly done justice to the amount of devastation. On the other hand, I’ve also realized that the Gulf Coast is a beautiful place and the images in television and in the movies do not do justice to its beauty. So, maybe this is just a place that cameras can’t adequately capture.

After lunch we tried to decide where to go next. My original plan was to head to Mobile, AL and then on to Montgomery, AL for the night. However, I found my experience in Birmingham so disappointing that I wasn’t looking forward to going to Montgomery and had been toying with the idea of going to Pensacola, FL. My grandmother had recommended Pensacola and I thought I might make that my stop for tonight instead of Montgomery. Ed was toying with the idea of going to a place called Manatee Springs, FL. It is about 8 hours from New Orleans and you can swim in fresh water with numerous manatees. We both continued on down the coast to Mobile, AL and went over a cool bridge, the Cochrane-Africatown USA Bridge. Then we ended up stopping in Pensacola, FL for the night. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. Definitely swimming in the Gulf of Mexico but beyond that who knows.

New Orleans

Getting ready to leave New Orleans and head down the Gulf Coast. Thought I'd hit the highlights with this post and you can ask me for the back stories in person.

Top Ten Things I Learned In New Orleans:
1. The French Quarter smells largely like stale beer and old vomit.
2. The Gumbo Shop has delicious food and we had a fabulous meal there.
3. It is hard to hold onto a fabulous meal when walking streets that smell like stale beer and old vomit.
4. While I often think of Ed as the friend who reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite he apparently looks to some men in New Orleans like my PIMP!
5. I do not like to drink when I feel I need to have my wits about me and in New Orleans I felt that need. Thus, I did not drink.
6. While I have been looking into new career choices stripping was not one of them. But here in New Orleans, once again Ed, not I, was approached by an establishment that I should go down that path.
7. The cemetery here is no different than an old cemetery anywhere else. Except maybe that odd feeling that you could get mugged at any moment.
8. Our hotel was very nice.
9. Mapquest and Google do not care if you walk or drive through rough neighborhoods.
10. I do not feel the need to return here.

Jackson

Mississippi has the nicest welcome center/ rest area I have ever visited. I stopped shortly after crossing into Mississippi. The building was like a log cabin and it smelled like a Cracker Barrel. They even had workers to answer my questions, give me a map, and a free root beer before I got back on the road. New Jersey could take lessons from these people.

As for Jackson, it is my kind of town. A girl could get into some trouble in a town like this. I definitely think another trip to Jackson with some good friends is in order. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't live here but I could have fun here for a little while. I went to some of the places Jill Connor Brown talks about in the Sweet Potato Queen books. First, I went to Lemuria Books - a very cool independent bookstore. I ended up getting a novella by Eudora Welty. Eudora Welty was a Jackson native in addition to being a Pulitzer prize winner. Then, I went to Hal & Mal's for a shrimp po-boy, as instructed by the Queens in their books. It was delicious! As were the fries. Definitely the best food I've had so far. Hal & Mal's was a fun place and it was easy to see how things could get out of hand there. It was also easy to see how much fun it would be around parade time. Seriously girls, road trip!

Now, I'm sitting in a nice hotel in New Orleans, just having caught up with my friend Ed. He's Ed of impendingslackerdom.blogspot fame in case you want to read all about where he's been this summer. We're planning on going to dinner - someplace where I can get crawfish etouffee - and then going out drinking. We are in New Orleans, after all.

Birmingham

I have left Birmingham in my rearview mirror and am headed to see what Jackson, Mississippi has to offer. I thought I'd share some of what happened in Birmingham today. I got a later start than I had hoped but I'm not on a timetable so it was okay.

First, I went to the Birmingham Botanical Gardens. They have a nice layout and it seems like several people use the Gardens as a place to walk for exercise. I tried to see the rose gardens but they were blocked off. I also tried to see the lilies and the irises but I am apparently allergic to something in each of those gardens. That was unpleasant. All the while I kept seeing this man around 55 in a Cubs cap with glasses, a blue shirt, and a camera. Everywhere I went, there he was. I even specifically tried to ditch him and when I turned a corner there he was, taking my picture yet again. That's right I said, "taking my picture." It was creepy and I decided to leave the Botanical Gardens.

Next, I went to Vulcan Park. Vulcan Park was neat. The elevator was broken to get to the observatory deck but there are stairs that you can climb. I was the only one that chose to climb so I had the whole observatory deck to myself. It was kind of cool. The pictures on their website are misleading though, the observatory deck doesn't give nearly the view the website shows.

Then, I went down to the 4th Ave. N District. It is where the Alabama Jazz Museum is, the Civil Rights Institute, and the 16th Street Baptist Church. I wanted to go to the Alabama Jazz Museum most of all but it wasn't where it's website and mapquest said it was. So, I decided to park in a public lot and walk around. All of these things are not that far apart from each other on the map so I figured what could it hurt. I walked several blocks but still couldn't find the Jazz Museum. I did, however, encounter several unfriendly people. I was moved by the 16th St Baptist Church. It was surprising how much history they packed into a small nook. The church is still operational and they have services every Sunday. As I was leaving, I went to go look at Kelly Ingram Park - it was the staging area for many of the 1963 Civil Rights demonstrations and in 1992 was renovated to include statues and markers. That was a mistake.

Kelly Ingram Park is not tourist friendly, and I knew it as soon as I got close, so I kept walking to cross the street and head back towards the car. One man felt the need to express what he thought of me and shouted at me in vivid detail the things he would like to do to me as I waited for the light to change. I have never been so keenly aware of the fact that I am a white woman as I was in that moment. I had come to Birmingham specifically to see the civil rights history for I am thankful that I am free to befriend whomever I choose. But, in that instant I did not wheel around and stare at him and ask, "are you talking to me?" like I have of every other man that has chosen to behave so inappropriately. For all I could think of was with freedom comes choice to choose wisely or to choose unwisely. And I fully supported his right to his freedom so I had to support his choice to behave inappropriately. But at the same time by not asking him to explain himself wasn't I treating him differently solely because of his race?

I waited for the light and I crossed and headed back to the car. All the while wondering what Dr. King would have thought of the Birmingham I was seeing as I walked. The entire area, the boarded up businesses that used to thrive in this historically black district, the men laying about in Kelly Ingram Park, and the deal for stolen property that was going on two spaces over from my car when I got to it - all of it saddened me. And made me realize I don't need to return to Birmingham until I have thicker skin.

One Step

As the old Taoist saying puts it: "A thousand-mile journey starts with one step."

So, in my current thousand-mile journey I took that one step this morning. I awoke at 4:27am - not on purpose mind you. I've been waking up like that at various times in the night for about two weeks now. But today was different, today would be step one and I knew it. You see this journey isn't just about the thousand miles it's also about what I learn about life, and about myself, along the way. But I'm guessing that's what any journey is really about. I thought of all that lay ahead today until I had to get up and go shower. Knowing it was step one I was encouraged and optimistic for the first time in a while as my feet hit the floor.

It has been a LONG day to say the least but not in a disheartening or distressing way. As I write this I have just checked into the La Quinta in Birmingham. It's okay. Not fabulous like the one in Raleigh where I racked up so many points this summer. But, it will do for a night. Since it is late I'm blogging, like promised, so you know I'm still okay. I thought for this post it might be fun to tell you all I realized today - the first day of the journey.

Top Ten Things I Realized On Day One

1. South Carolina has an amazing shortage of palmettos for "the palmetto state." Yet another reason why I find SC intolerable.
2. Krystal Burgers aren't very good. I thought I'd been missing out all these years and stopped to eat there - I wouldn't do it again.
3. It was a good thing no one was in the car with me because I was preoccupied by the varying heights of the barrier wall in SC. It had no pattern to it and didn't make any sense. I tried for miles to figure out the engineering rationale behind this and I know I would have done it even if someone was with me. BUT, anyone else would have assumed I was quiet, preoccupied, etc. because of something to do with them. Made me reflect back on several other moments of obsessive geekdom in my life and how others usually perceive it as having to do with them. Very enlightening to me.
4. I had never driven across a time zone before today. I've always flown. Made me want to drive to California and hit two more.
5. It is fun to turn up the radio to cheesy songs and sing along at the top of your lungs.
6. I do not like grape Laffy Taffy.
7. Nor do I care for green or yellow Swedish fish.
8. I specifically took I-85 through downtown Atlanta to see what it looked like at night and I'm glad I did. It was pretty cool. I am a city girl!
9. Georgia has traffic control sign issues and Alabama has miles of road that ride terribly. And you know what?! The real thing I realized is I can look at all the construction and roadway stuff I want to and there's no one to complain that it doesn't interest them! That thought tickled me. I can't wait to see what I can find tomorrow.
10. Sometimes you need to remind yourself of who you are and who you hope to become.

Trippin'

I am a big believer in just knowing things. Know what I mean? If you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. So, today when the same freakin' number kept showing up on my caller ID and I finally decided to pick it up and see what in the hell someone in Leesburg, VA might want at 2 in the afternoon. I KNEW that explaining to the woman that said, "buenas tardes" like we were old friends, that she had the wrong number was not how I wanted to spend my afternoon.

What's a girl to do? Well, first you unplug the bleepin' phone. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, folks. And then you think about how you'd rather spend your "time off" from the rat race of a real job. So, I planned my next week. I'm going to go to three states I've never been before. If you know me, you know I'd love to go cross country but right now the timing's not right. I've already been crossing off states individually for a while now and I've mapped out a way to get three more next week. I also planned how I could see another five before the end of this year but that's a story for another day.

I'll be leaving Monday afternoon. I already have plans Monday morning so I can't leave earlier than that. Here's the link for my trip if you want to follow along at home...


View Larger Map

I have booked places to stay and started to figure out what I want to see in each place and everything in between. It's still a work in progress so any suggestions, please pass them along. I plan on bringing my laptop and checking out places with wifi. I am already searching for coffee shops where I can search the internet, get my caffeine fix, and read my latest book. Although, I'm reading a Carl Hiaasen novel that has made me laugh out loud more than once so it'll either help me make new friends or brand me a weirdo.

I have some great road trip music - I'm loving my new Colbie Caillat - Coco is the name of the album if you'd like to buy it for yourself. The whole thing is great. Of course, will be bringing the ipod. I will just have to swing by the grocery before I go and grab some swedish fish and bottled water and I'll be all set.

Ocean

I think for everyone there is a place that speaks to your soul. For me that place is the ocean. Being on the beach, watching the vast expanse before me, and listening to the waves I realize how small and, yet, how remarkable I am. My soul feels soothed by the water and the waves. I don't get that feeling anywhere else. I've tried on numerous occasions to duplicate it but alas with no success. I meditate and the place I always picture is the beach - the one I'm at today more often than not.

There have been times when I've come close to this feeling and I try to hold onto them. If I am ever at a loss I drift down to the nearest water - be it a lake, a stream, or a creek. I think somehow my soul knows eventually that same water will make it to the ocean. I have also come close to that feeling in church on more than one occasion but more often than not God speaks to me at the ocean and not in a building. I guess that's why I've always been fascinated with religions that have more outdoor settings.

The song on Colbie Caillat's new album Coco has moved me. It's fitting because I've found someone that speaks to my soul when he holds me tight - it's not always a day at the beach but it's the closest thing I've found.

Musings

So, how do you know if you ever want to have children? That's the question I'm contemplating. It's been on my mind a lot lately and it's in the forefront today. I ask myself that question and I always answer the same way, "I'm not sure" or "I don't know." I find myself wondering if I will regret not having children if I don't have them but feel in no rush to do anything about it. And the fact is I'm not getting any younger. I know so many people that say they just had to have a child. So, when will that feeling hit me? And what should I do in the mean time? What happens if it never does hit me and I make choices in my life based on the anticipation that it will? Then what? A life of regret all the same?