Elusive Answers

"Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same." - The Wallflowers

That's how I feel in a nut shell. I don't feel like I've changed but I'm clearly not the same. I guess that's what an existential crisis is all about - evolving. I am not the same person I was three months ago and yet I am not that different. I feel more defined, more myself than I have in fifteen years, and as such certain things don't fit well in my life anymore. One of those things was my relationship with Clark Kent. I had been having doubts that were so loud they were deafening ever since I started this new job and was unhappy with it. I didn't view going to CT as a viable option and I didn't want to discuss my job hesitations with him - the person I should want to discuss everything with. It turns out he was feeling much the same way and we broke up today. I wouldn't say that I feel devastated or even that hurt. I'm sad but more because it seems like this is a timing issue for each of us - I met him at the wrong time in my life. He's a great guy - one that could be great for me - but he isn't great for me now and I'm not great for him either.

Alas, as I age I realize sometimes that's all life is about, timing. And when the timing's wrong it doesn't matter what you do or what else is right it's not going to work. So, I'm sad but more because I still feel so direction-less in so many aspects of my life. For this did not bring me any great clarity or real relief. It has been more like "oh well, what now?" It hasn't changed my perspective on the job, or on living in Raleigh, or on anything. I realized I hadn't been factoring him into any of those contemplations for quite sometime. I wish I had more clarity not less.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work, yet again, and try to figure out whether I want this life I've arranged for myself. I have hope that I will grasp the elusive answers to what will make me truly happy but it's a faint glimmer at this point.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I sometimes have trouble making decisions. Oh, not the ones that mean anything to me - those I can usually discern what to do and go about doing it. I mean decisions like should I choose A or B when I don't care whether I end up with A or B. For instance, when I was working on a project in Virginia a coworker and I had to divide the work load and often two tasks were equally tedious or cumbersome. I didn't have a preference, as I said I viewed them as equal, but he refused to vocalize his preference. So, we resorted to the best form of decision making I know - Rock, Paper, Scissors. Eventually we used it when we did have preferences so a reprieve from a horrid task would be fairly won. We'd play Rock, Paper, Scissors for everything. Who would call a pain in the tail subcontractor, who would do a spreadsheet, and who would get to choose where we'd eat lunch. I hadn't played RPS so much since I was a child. But it made each task fun. It made choosing between equally boring items a game. I have since had to resort to the poor man's RPS - flipping a coin - in making some decisions lately.

It's not the same but flipping a coin is a fair substitute. In trying to make mundane decisions I sometimes get stuck in the analysis of the choices. I try so hard to discern the pros and cons of each and the differences amongst them that when they appear too close to call I am left wondering what to do. One thing I do know is that not deciding is still deciding. You are just deciding to leave things as they are - for better or worse. Sometimes that works, other times it does not. I can't after all do neither A or B - I have to actually pick one even if I can't see the difference between them. I usually assign A to Heads and B to Tails. Then send the quarter into the air and see what happens. If when I see the result I have qualms about the outcome then I know I really do have a preference between A and B. Either way the mundane decision is easy. However, the fun, and the thrill, of a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is much greater than the outcome of the mundane decision. That is why flipping a coin will never compare.

In Rock, Paper, Scissors another person is there and they have the power to override my sudden preference realization. Actually, if I vocalize that I have a preference I am opening myself up to ridicule if I am the loser. In my childhood, my siblings would have said things like, "I won fair and square" and now, most adults haven't outgrown that inclination no matter what their age. It is that human interaction, the simplest of games - played for usually the merest of prizes - that makes Rock, Paper, Scissors so special.

I came across this today and answered the questions. It made me nostalgic. For days of my childhood and times with my siblings. For days in the mountains of Virginia on the best project I've ever worked. But mostly for days filled with laughter and play and friendly faces. Even if I did sometimes get smothered.

You Are Rock

Powerful and overbearing, you intimidate people with your presence. People know they can't push you around, and they respect that. Deep down, you are calm, confident, and unmovable. You take everything pretty seriously, and you think deeply about all aspects of your life. You tend to feel smothered by paper people. You don't mind crushing the spirit of a scissors person. When you fight, you: Use all of your strength If someone makes you mad: You're likely to throw something at them

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

Humor

I am eligible to work in the United States but these days it's not enough just to check the box on the application. So, today I had to bring both my passport and driver's license in to work to be photocopied. Given my pale Irish skin, blue eyes, and Italian last name I thought it funny to crack jokes with the woman from HR about how I'd really just made my way across the porous Southern U.S. border on my first day. She doesn't have my sense of humor so she didn't think I was so funny. I found it very amusing to say, "I am not an illegal" but she was grim faced. So, since she was not amused by me previously I just gave her my stuff today.

It got me thinking though, I'm sure the woman from HR has a sense of humor, after all, everyone does. It's just that not everyone has the same sense of humor. How sad it is that not everyone can find all of the things I find funny amusing. Because I find A LOT of things funny! I wonder how people with different senses of humor get by because laughing at life and everything in it is how I get through the day. I relish finding something else that makes me laugh and crack myself up thinking of something that made laugh earlier. I am THAT person. The one that can always see the humor in any situation.

For instance, I love satire, especially Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I recently purchased Stephen Colbert's "I Am America (And So Can You)" on audiobook. I highly recommend the audiobook because you will laugh out loud! Well, you will if you have a sense of humor similar to mine. There are parts in it that made me howl with laughter as I was driving down the road and I've found it funny enough to listen to more than once. But not everyone loves satire. For instance, BET, Black Entertainment Television, came out with a satirical cartoon (do not click link at work or in public) about reading and it caused an uproar. I found it just as funny as I found Stephen Colbert calling Americans of child-bearing age that choose to remain single because they saw their parents divorce and are afraid of going through the same thing "a drain on society." The man mocked my fear of commitment, and reasoning behind it, and called me a drain on society and I laughed. And I laughed because it was funny and it was funny because it was mostly true.

I guess humor is one of the more perplexing aspects of human personality. What makes something funny to one person and not to another? And why is it that some people are able to laugh at themselves easily and others are not?

Twilight Zone Episode 1 - Return to the Work Force

I used to love the television show "The Twilight Zone." I enjoyed all episodes but was the biggest fan of the black and white ones from back in the 1960's. I, of course, only saw those in reruns and didn't get to see them all. My favorites were when the main character would awaken from a nap or come home from work and find that some elements of their life were as they should be while other elements were very different. It would take them a while to try and put their finger on what was amiss and the nagging feeling that haunted them in each episode was part of the suspense. The supporting characters would continue to act as if the turmoil was all in the main character's mind. Clearly everything is as it should be - why are YOU causing trouble. It was all so surreal and psychologically confusing.

My parents rarely monitored what I watched on television in the hour I was allowed to stay up later than my siblings. I doubt they would have approved of my love of "The Twilight Zone." I would have trouble sleeping after watching an episode and would lie awake in bed listening to my sister snore. I'd wonder what would happen when I awoke, would everything be the same? Was reality what I perceived it to be in the first place? Naturally, I'd eventually fall asleep and when I woke up my twelve year old life was as it was the day before. My adult life, however, seems more like the "Twilight Zone" everyday.

I returned to the work force this week. As I previously posted this company came to me. I probably would have waited another month or so to look for a job of any type if they hadn't. There are a couple reasons this company pursued me. The first being my reputation for getting things done and the second being that several former coworkers are currently employed there. They would be the supporting characters in this episode for clearly I am the star. The two main supporting characters I used to work with are a guy I worked with for three years at two other companies, MB, and another guy I worked with for two years, SH. So, MB, SH, and I are falling into some old patterns and it's feeling like old times. Except I haven't worked with either of them for more than two years. It's actually been three years since I worked with MB.

So, I find myself feeling awkward. I was hired because of the experience I've gained in the past three years and both MB and SH know this. They actually keep turning to me and expecting me to address problems based on this experience but our relating to one another is falling back into old habits. Some of which show no respect for knowledge I might possess now. I was pretty green when I first started working with each of them 7 years ago. There are moments where they seem to be stuck on that version of me - and treat me as the person I was 7 years ago. While the majority of our interactions do not bother me it has all seemed so surreal. In addition to the job being more stressful than I was led to believe I have the distinct impression that I've gone back in time some how. Like I'm stuck in a parallel universe to where my life was just a mere week ago. Like I've woken up in "The Twilight Zone." I can't explain it and that's what makes it even more "TTZ" like. It's this constant nagging feeling that something is amiss and needs to be rectified. Exactly what it is, and how to address it, I don't know yet. But it seems to be only me that has this unease, all the supporting characters think things are perfectly normal. Again, very TTZ-ish. Is all the turmoil in my mind? Is it me? I don't honestly know.

Needless to say, the first week has been somewhat of a tumble down the rabbit hole. Will it get better? Will I gain clarity? Will the less stressful job they promised materialize? Only time will tell but how I wish this were a thirty minute episode to be resolved in short order.

Focus

When I was a kid there was a television show on Saturday mornings called "Pee Wee's Playhouse." My brother was a huge fan of the show and as part of the Saturday morning compromise all of us watched it. One thing Pee Wee always did was the word of the day and everytime someone said the word everyone would scream. If my life were like Pee Wee's Playhouse the word of the day for today would be "focus." And, much like Pee Wee's Playhouse, anytime I hear it, or think it, I feel like screaming.

Now the word focus has many definitions. If you followed the link above you are aware of just how many. I have been plagued by both the noun and the verb "focus" today. Don't believe me? Allow me to explain. First, I have had some problems with my new contacts and glasses. The world seems largely out of focus when it should be crystal clear. I did, after all, pick which was better one or two and then three or four more than once last week. The new contact for my left eye appears to wish it were something else - because it certainly doesn't want to be a contact lens that stays on an eyeball and allows said eyeball to focus on the world. So, while I've been dealing with the revolt of the left lens I have been trying to wear my new glasses. I have not worn glasses consistently, ever. The glasses are messing with my vertigo. Making it hard to focus on the world for I feel quite sea sick inside my own head. Needless to say the optometrist is supposed to fix the contact situation tomorrow. As for the glasses, they tell me I need to wear them until my brain adjusts. Easy for them to say, the world is largely in focus for them.

The other ways I have been vexed by the word focus today are not as easy to explain. A stranger remarking that I appear to have "lost my focus" is one example. But, I did not scream at the elderly woman who happened to notice that I'd forgotten what I was looking for in the grocery. For this is real life not Pee Wee's Playhouse. I sure would have liked to yell though. It's not just the grocery store that I seem to have lost focus or direction. It seems life direction is eluding me as well. One would think that everything would be clearer - more in focus if you will - since I've had so much time to devote to figuring out what I might want out of life. Actually, the opposite has happened. I find myself thinking I may want this so I guess I should try. No sense in giving up before the trying but let's set the time limit for when we plan on getting out. It seems so disheartening to already feel disappointed by what the immediate future holds. I'm normally much more excited about prospects for a new life. Which leads me to believe this is not the right path.

Then I should get off this path, correct? Well, there you'd be wrong. Because I am not able to walk away yet. I've tried the different scenarios out in my head and walking away offers me less comfort than trying. I can't go back on my word - I have to at least try. That brings me to another way the word "focus" has tortured me today. I have numerous things I should be doing to prepare for the new job and the move but I can't seem to put in the attention each task requires. I find my mind wandering and things taking much longer than need be to accomplish. So, I think and then say aloud to myself - "FOCUS!" Again, I wish to scream but do not.

Family Feud

Now, if you know me at all you know I love to play games. Not the drama filled psycho manipulative ones the family fun board type or video. As luck would have it I have a plethora of siblings that feel the same way. So, last night it was my Dad's b-day and we played the newest Monopoly. It has debit cards and no cash. It was quite amusing. Especially since I made several jokes about my brother being an Enron accountant. Everything costs a lot more - like in the millions - and I ended up going bankrupt. But, it was Dad's birthday so he should have won anyway.

BTW, he is really my step-father not my father. But he did all the things that Dads do - like teaching me to drive, complaining about how much time I spent on the phone or in the bathroom as a teenager, and has always been there for me. Up to and including last week when I called home to say I wouldn't be moving to Connecticut. He answered that he thought I'd made the right decision because I'd earn more money and Clark Kent and I would have time to make sure things were right. He added that he thought things were working out for the best and I'd end up with Clark Kent if I was supposed to - if he deserved me. But he also spoke the magic words sometimes every girl wants to hear; "I'll fill Mom in on everything." I just wanted to clarify that he is my Dad but he is not the father I referred to in an earlier post that committed adultery.

So, I'm having a great time in New York playing Monopoly with the family and sporadically listening to an audio book I picked up before coming here. It's called The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. I heard about it from a few friends at a dinner in Raleigh on Friday night and like usual I picked it up. Yes, I seriously do read the books that people suggest. It seems two or three people at the table had already read it so I figured it must have something to offer. The principle is fairly simple there are five different languages that make people feel loved. Not all of us speak the same primary language. What I might have as my primary language might not make you feel loved at all and vice versa. The five languages are: Words of Affirmation (compliments, kind words, words of appreciation, "I love you"), Gifts (have to be specific to show you were thinking of the person), Quality Time (spending time doing an activity or talking focusing your attention on the other person), Acts of Service (doing something to assist someone else - to make their life easier), and Physical Touch (hugs, pats on the back, touches in general). After listening to this book I was able to determine that I am what is called bi-lingual. Meaning I have two love languages that make me feel most loved and when I don't get them I feel unloved. My two are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I feel most loved when spending time with people I care about - when they make time for me I feel special and like they care. I feel closest to them when I do an activity or have a conversation with them. I also realized that if I get nothing but criticism all the time in the world is meaningless for I also need words of affirmation. The book also describes how to give others love in their primary language once you determine what it is, and how they will feel more loved by you if you do so.

I considered individual family and friends and was able to spot the primary love language of many of them. Others were harder. One person I contemplated was my youngest brother. He's fifteen and a little hard to figure out. I was thinking of him today as I was listening to a section on siblings. The book says when you find someone's primary love language they will often thank you with a note or with kind words. They will feel so loved and appreciated their primary love language will be easy to spot. I got back to the house after running errands and there was a note on the kitchen table from my youngest brother. The note said how much he enjoyed playing Monopoly last night and how he hoped I wasn't leaving too soon. I knew then that he, like me, is a Quality Time person.

So, I went upstairs to his messy teenage room. He broke into a smile when he saw me. I think he thought I might leave without saying goodbye. We talked for a bit and then I asked if he wanted to play a round of Family Feud on the computer. He said he'd forgotten all about it - we'd played last time I was home - but definitely. We had a great time. The questions in Family Feud are sometimes harder than you think. "Name a bird most people dislike. Top Three Answers on the Board." We cracked ourselves up with talking about the game. And we talked about family stuff and our individual lives. In the end I totally kicked his butt. But, I didn't rub it in and it wouldn't have mattered to me if I'd lost. For although there are twenty years between us I felt close to him and I felt loved and I venture to think he did too.

Last Days of Vacation

So, as many of you already know I accepted a job offer. Sheer craziness on my part I'm now thinking. I don't start until October 15th but I feel like a little kid at the end of summer vacation. I seriously can't believe I have to go back to work! I have done a lot with my time off but there are still so many things I'd like to do and a J-O-B will seriously cramp my style.

In addition to working again it also means I will be moving back to Raleigh very soon. That isn't what I had originally planned when I started on this journey but sometimes life takes you off the course you had planned. I wasn't 100% sure of what the next step would be but I had some ideas and I was trying to sort them out. Then along came this job. From the description it's the job I've been working my whole career towards. Can't really say no to that. Plus, if I turned it down I'd always wonder if I should have taken it. So, it's back to work I go. We'll see how it pans out. It maybe my dream job and it maybe another dead end but only trying will let me know that. At least this way I'll know. There will be no regrets and no festering resentment at an opportunity wasted.

Needless to say, it means I'm definitely not moving to Connecticut right now. The decision was still up in the air when this job came along and it would have been impossible for me to move without seeing if this job is for me. So, Clark Kent is in Connecticut finding his way around his new town and his new job and I'm preparing for my move and new job. We haven't figured out exactly what this means yet but I know that we're doing what we need to in order for us to have the greatest chance of success.

That being said, I'm trying to figure out - in addition to preparing for the move - what to do with my last week. I am definitely going to New York to see my family. They were so excited about me potentially moving so close to home that I feel like I need to see them again before I go back to work. Then I may hit a couple of places in New England to see the leaves and maybe back to North Carolina. Any thoughts or suggestions?